Needles to say the trip home was not tear free! I guess there will be many times over the next year where ordinary events will now be touched with tears, whether I want them to or not because as I’m discovering, the tears just come. I don’t beckon them and I certainly don’t go looking for them, they just come when they feel like it. Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t feel like it so much and yet if they don’t come for a few hours I feel guilty. Oh there is so much to learn about grieving that can only truly be taught by going through it. Why does grief have to be such a ruthless teacher?
On the way home I told Marc that there is a new fear in my life. I fear having to ever go through this again. There are moments when the pain is so intense that I honestly wonder if I’ll be able to take the next breath. And yet I do. But then the next one? That one too. How about the next? On and on it goes. Thankfully there are moments of reprieve. But the reprieve is just a dull endless ache with no life in it. No color, no joy, no hope, just fear. Fear that none of my other children are safe from illness and death. Fear of losing Marc. Fear of living! To be totally honest, the only thing right now I don’t fear is death itself. It would be a relief. I never feared living until these last few weeks. Now I fear what the future holds. I fear giving my heart totally to Zoe. I fear not being able to help Catherine through her grief, or Johanna. The list goes on and on.
How do people walk this road who have no faith? For even though I fear and even though I grieve, I also know that there is more to life than this. As Marc reminded me this afternoon, “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, what God has ready for those who love Him.” There will come a day when we will all be together again and when that time comes we will never be separated. There will be no pain, no sickness, no death. An eternity with God and with each other with no fear of the future. I guess that’s where I have to keep bringing myself back to when the waves of grieve threaten to drown me.
Fr. David P
Please know, not a day goes by that my heart is not aching and is called to pray for all of you. And I truly believe there are as many prayer partners as the stars you see at night that are also called to lift your family up in prayer. I am so amazed by your strength to continue to share your journey with us. When we think we have lived the hardest day another comes. I pray for you all that in those moments when just breathing is the most difficult thing to do,that you will look to the sky and remember all the rest of your brother and sisters are praying for all your needs and that you can just sit and BREATH. Gods plan is a mystery but he never writes a mystery by himself. I pray the Holy Spirit blesses you all today with a little glimpse of Heaven where your Angel now lives with a Joy and boldness to help each one of us who bring our prayers to her. My heart still aches that I was not able to say good bye on the day of her funeral. But know that she awaits all of our prayer requests, which she wil bring joyfully to the Lord. Let the tears of healing flow like a bulging river in the spring, bringing new life to many things in your heart. Hope to see you soon. ❤️