One-on-one with Catherine

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Today Catherine asked me if we could do something together so when Marc came home from work we took off and went to Salmon Arm.  We went to the library to see Susan but she had left work already (or didn’t work today).  We ran to mail a letter and then had supper at Jane’s Place.  While we were waiting for our chicken burgers to arrive I asked her if she was okay and she said yes.  I asked her if she ever needed to talk to someone who would she turn to and she replied, “You.”  So I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything, like missing Bernadette or if she had any questions or concerns and she answered in her dramatic way, “Even if I did, I wouldn’t talk about it here, the lady might be listening.”  The lady being the waitress who was clear across the empty restaurant carpet sweeping.  I told her she wasn’t listening so it would be okay to talk.  Her come back was, “Well I’d be listening if I were her.”  Needless to say we didn’t talk about anything but Catherine assured me that if she needed to talk she’d come to me. Ok.  Guess I have to accept that for now.  Not that I thought she really needed to talk or anything, I just wanted to open the door a crack and see what she’d do.   In the end we had a pleasant time together and that’s probably all she really needed.

My friend Pat gave me a book to read yesterday called, “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.  It wasn’t a very big book so I finished it by this morning.  Even though our situations were totally different and you can’t compare a marriage relationship to that of a mother/child, I did find it helpful in a couple of ways.   I felt a sense of relief that someone like Lewis, who has written how many books on faith and God,  could get so angry with God as to lash out at Him.    That he would question everything he ever believed about God and realize that he built houses of cards which God then knocked down to build true ones.  I find myself feeling the same way, it’s like everything I knew about God, my entire relationship with Him has changed.  He has decimated my house of cards and it now lays in ruins and ashes.  Funny thing though, I don’t have any real emotions about it.  Just a reserved anticipation of what God will now reveal to me – if I’m listening.  Hopefully I don’t get impatient and fall for the temptation to rebuild my card house to feel a sense of security, or to allow others to rebuild it for me.  No.  Only God can rebuild my house and I suspect He won’t build it out of cards but out of something far more lasting.  A house of stone (of truth) that will withstand tragedies like the one we’ve just experienced.

One thing I did read that I found very interesting and something to ponder is when C.S. Lewis wrote:  “For, as I have discovered, passionate grief does not link us with the dead but cuts us off from them.  …….  I seem to remember – though I couldn’t quote one at the moment – all sorts of ballads and folktales in which the dead tell us that our mourning does them some kind of wrong.  They beg us to stop.  There may be far more depth in this than I thought.”

Even though “A Grief Observed” is a small book and easy to get through, I know I didn’t understand the half of it.  It’s one book I don’t mind going over a few more times until I truly understand what he is saying and am able to apply what he learned to my own grief.  Reading the writings of C.S. Lewis, Peter Kreeft, and G.K. Chesterton makes me wish I was an educated person so I can take away everything there is to learn from their writing.  Or at the minimum, to be able to read their work without it giving me a headache.  deep sigh

COMMENTS


By Venee
Love you PattI! Just as joy breaks through all the barriers on earth, I believe our joy does the same for those in heaven. We remain as one. My heart is with you in your grief. So enjoy Catherine’s thoughts, so humorous, innocent and truthful! No wonder the Father wants us to be children at heart!

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