I’ve heard the expression hindsight is 20/20 but it wasn’t until yesterday that I truly understood the saying. It hit me when Marc and I were talking about Bernadette’s illness and how I can’t seem to let go of the idea that I should have done something sooner, like back in May when she first started showing signs that she wasn’t well. We walked through from the time Zoe was born until October when we found the lump in her tummy and admitted that it was only in hindsight that all her symptoms made any sense. Like we were dealing with a puzzle. We were given pieces here and there but it wasn’t until after we found out what was wrong with her that all the pieces fit together and made a clear picture – a picture we never imagined. What I’ve been doing the last six months is forgetting that we didn’t have the whole picture a year ago, just pieces. Marc and I even admitted, that if we could rewind the clock and go back to this time last year, we still wouldn’t have done anything differently. That’s when I understood what I was doing to myself; taking that full picture back in my memory to a year ago, using it as the measure of knowledge and beating myself up for not acting on that knowledge. Now that makes no sense!!!!!!!! And yet it’s been very easy to do, so easy in fact that I didn’t recognize it.
The next step is learning how to apply this new understanding going forward.
Praise Yahweh God. I was so sad that you were blaming yourself so much. This insight will bring much healing for you and Marc, I’m sure.
Thank goodness you have come to this conclusion! I have thought long and hard about how to respond to you previous post. You showed so much unbearable pain, and I felt unable to ease any of it with whatever simple encouragement I could offer. You have found your truth, your explanation, something you know is reality. This is not only a blessing but hopefully a turning point. God Bless!
It’s great to see how time is teaching you things as you continue forward on a daily basis. But more importantly, how you are actively staying alert for answers that help you cope.